More Awesome Than The Puppy Bowl

Truly, Sarah Palin is the gift that keeps on giving.

Young Man Yells at Cloud

This might be a strange rant, but I like snow, and I’m a little pissed that we have absolutely NO snow on the ground right now. None.

But what really irritates me is that all day yesterday the local news weather people were acting like we were totally in the path of snowmageddon aught ‘10 when it was COMPLETELY OBVIOUS that it wasn’t going to snow here. It was 40 fucking degrees outside.

They’d put up the cartoony map with the ominous pink that said we were bound to get 4 to 8 inches (better check on your mam-maw!). But when they’d show the radar, it was pretty clear that Charlie West was barely even under the tail end of that shit. Late last night, around the time all that rain was surely supposed to change over to snow, it just stopped raining all together. It was actually partly clear. For hours.

I’ve had the misfortune of living in this area for most of my life, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned about winter weather here, it’s this: if it’s nighttime, and if it’s still a few degrees above freezing, and the weatherman tells you that the all that rain is totally going turn into snow after midnight — don’t fucking count on it. It’s not cold enough, and it won’t get cold enough. And we’re too low in elevation.

I wonder myself why this irritates me. But I think it fits right in with what bothers me about the local TV news in general — that they desperately want you to be afraid. It’s crime, crime, crime, deadbolt your doors, trust the cops, be suspicious of your neighbor, be MORE suspicious of your black neighbor, check your smoke detector, AND OH BY THE WAY IT’S TOTALLY GOING TO SNOW TONIGHT so you better fucking watch this shit or you won’t be safe in your own goddamn home. Film at eleven.

End Mountain Top Removal: Vote Republican

So to absolutely no one’s surprise, noted cocksmith and former impartial jurist Spike Maynard (Democratic Party) has transformed into congressional candidate Spike Maynard (Massey Energy Party). And Spike’s single, solitary campaign issue?

Why COAL!, of course. It keeps the lights on. In his buddy Don’s private jet.

Awesome, I say. Because if the good people of the the Third District want to make sure that the coal industry continues to have a seat at the table in Washington, then the worst thing they can do right now is vote for goddamn Republican. Because while Nick Rahall has generally been pretty good on environment issues, his BIG exception has always been coal. Just like the rest of West Virginia’s delegation. You’d be hard pressed to name a single thing that congressman Spike Maynard could do for coal that Nick Rahall hasn’t been doing for 30 years. The only thing that congressman Spike would change is that the White House would no longer have to pretend like it gives a shit about the Representative from the third district of West Virginia.

I mean really — what do the Friends of Amer’ca crowd really think would happen if they got their wish and West Virginia’s entire delegation went Republican? Because I’ll tell you what would happen. Rahm Emanuel would tell them all to go shit in their hats, and to maybe come back when their state doesn’t go for the white lady by 30 points when it was clear that she had lost.

Actually, that last part is what they’d probably like to tell Joe. Which is why you should vote for Shelley. Because it’ll be a cold day in hell before she gets a photo-op like this:

I’ve Got a Bad Feeling About This

Nobody ever won an election with a bumper sticker that said “it could have been worse.”

I’ll Take “Monied Old Bats” for a Thousand, Alex

I’ve heard a few people ask this question: why does the United States Department of Justice think that Charleston needs two papers? Fair enough.

But the question I’ve always had is this: why in the fuck did Betty Chilton think that she needed two newspapers? Because no one put a gun to her head and forced her buy the goddamn Daily Mail.

Yes, I am completely aware of the obvious answer: to SHUT IT DOWN! This wasn’t exactly a secret. And from what I remember reading in the original DOJ complaint, her intent was crystal clear. Except. You can’t do that. It’s like, side one, track one of antitrust.

So who was the scotch-soaked, senile old fuck of a lawyer who neglected to tell Betty this? That as strange as it might sound, she’s not allowed to buy out her competition just to shut it down any more than she’s allowed to intentionally set fire to the place and collect the insurance money.

Talk about a problem of your own making.

BREAKING: DOJ Reaches Settlement with Gazette, Daily Mail Owners

Press release here.

Pretend Perdue “Scandal” Officially Over

Federal prosecutors told West Virginia Treasurer John Perdue that they have ended a grand jury investigation into the handling of his daughter’s classwork at Marshall, and plan no further action. In other words, it’s over, they didn’t find shit, and they told him in writing.

TOLDJA.

Predictably, WSAZ’s Carrie Cline seemed a little upset that her big story didn’t pan out. There’s full video of the presser here, where at 13:00 and 17:30 you can hear her still trying to hang on to what 2 teenage students and 1 crazy discredited professor told her.

It’s Thursday, the day we read from your letters

Email of the day:

From Manchin’s speech:

“One longstanding challenge we face is retaining and attracting young and talented people. I am proud to offer them a seat at the table when it comes to charting this state’s course.

That’s why I formed the Governor’s Council of Young Professionals, which is made up of dedicated volunteers. This group meets with me to discuss current issues affecting our state.

In May, we will conduct the first Governor’s Summit on Young Talent to connect our youth with top business and labor leaders. By harnessing the talent already inside our borders, we have a greater chance to bring back home those who yearn to live, work and play in our beautiful state.

We also need to continue to evaluate our Promise scholarship program. Last year, we took the necessary measures to ensure the program’s viability, but I am asking for every Promise graduate to make us a promise that you will do everything possible to stay in West Virginia.”

This mentality always bothers me. A West Virginian should be a West Virginian first, an American second, and a citizen of the world only if necessary. Why should we demand that West Virginia’s best and brightest commit to staying here?

I can’t really imagine the governor of any other state, except maybe Hawaii and Alaska, making the same statement. Heaven forbid that a talented kid from West Virginia want to make an impact on a bigger stage.

You want to attract young people? Then drop your regressive policies towards energy and the environment. Work towards green jobs, Internet access, creating jobs that require more than a high school education. Do everything you can to destroy the impression that the plum jobs go only to the politically connected. (cough, Heather-Mylan cough). Stop kowtowing to the captains of the coal industry just because they have the money.

But spare me the whole, your first obligation is to West Virginia shtick. There’s more to life than WVU.

End rant.

Now for Something Completely Different

If anyone read Conan’s statement yesterday, a couple of things are obvious.

First, that he’s been talking to his lawyer. The “Six years ago, I signed a contract with NBC” and “The Tonight Show at 12:05 simply isn’t the Tonight Show” stuff — I’m not lawyer, but that looks like legal positioning to me.

Also, in graf 4 Conan makes a point of saying that if he moved his show back a half hour, it would be unfair to Jimmy Fallon who took over Late Night. The implication here is that no one is putting a gun to Conan’s head and forcing him do a show at 12:05. That decision would ultimately be on him, and he’s not going to do that (in part) because he’d be fucking over the guy he gave his old show to. Which apparently isn’t the kind of thing Jay Leno worries about.

So the second thing that’s clear is that Jay Leno is a giant festering asshole, just as certain people have always made him out to be. I can’t wait to hear Leno explain how he thinks that it’s OK for him to go back on his word and take the Tonight Show away from the guy he handed it off to just 7 months ago.

But in more in an “Aren’t you a cutie?” sort of way

Manchin didn’t mean “honey” in a “derogatory” way.

People almost never appreciate being called “honey” by someone who they don’t have a close relationship with. I don’t know why this is so hard for some folks to understand. That goes for the waitress at the truck stop Jackson Ohio, but especially for older males in positions of authority. Especially if the older male has a certain…well, reputation.